Escaping Perfection
by thefantasmickah
Summary: Sometimes Aubrey wished she could sing a song to Chloe to express everything that was going on in her mind, but then her throat would dry up and she could feel the vomit threaten to rise and she had to calm herself down. Maybe some things were better left unsaid.


Ever since she was 10, Aubrey knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. Singing in the children's choir at church was the highlight of her week. Even as a young girl, her voice was able to sparkle to the high notes with a vibrato that made her choir director smile encouragingly at her, always urging her to continue on. Her father, though a stern and hard to please man, would smile at her gently and hum a note under his breath to match her pitch. She couldn't help the giggles that would erupt from her mouth whenever he caught her off guard with one.

When she was entering high school, she finally told her father of her dreams to be a music teacher. He looked her dead in the eye and told her that under no circumstances would she, a Posen, be a teacher. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling and nodded to show that she understood. Later that year he enrolled her in SAT prep, she was 15.

The summer going into her senior year of high school her favorite aunt, her father's sister, was struck by a car while crossing the street. She graduated at the top of her class, but she no longer sang in choir and resorted to listening to music on her sister's old walkman, there was no more music in the Posen household.

* * *

Her grades afforded her the possibility of going to most colleges (as long as they were on the approved list by her father). She submitted applications to a few but really only held her breath for the letter from Barden University to arrive. When that large envelope arrived she couldn't help when her breath hitched and she opened the seal with quivering fingers, the University was her aunt's alma mater and she had been a part of the Barden Bellas, the female a cappella group, while getting her education. Her father may have forgotten how music could be healing, but she wouldn't let her aunt's memory be tainted by his negativity.

She showed her dad the letter with slight hesitance, he didn't know she had sent in an application to Barden, the $25 application fee she paid from her own pocket. His smile tightened but he nodded and told her that it was a good school with an entry into a pre-law program. The rise of bile in her throat subsided when he told her she could go and to make him proud. She grinned and hugged him tightly, "I won't let you down!" He nodded and sent her off with a pat on the shoulder, she would work on that.

* * *

As part of her plan to get into the Bellas, Aubrey knew that she needed to have a "bikini-ready" body. She hit the gym in the first week of class, the flyer handed to her by the leader of the Bellas at the forefront of her mind. Aubrey knew she had the voice for the Bellas, she just needed everything else.

If you asked her later, meeting Chloe was a chance of fate, if fate was the sort of person to think running headfirst into someone was a good thing. The two women toppled to the floor, the other woman's weight gentle against Aubrey. She blinked up at the woman on top of her, gaze clearing to see a halo of red hair cascading around her and arresting blue eyes, "Hi." Her voice was weak and she was almost certain her knees would have buckled if she was standing.

The woman laughed, warmth filling Aubrey's entire body, "Hey there." She swept her hair back over her shoulder, "I'm so sorry about that." She moved off from Aubrey's body and stood up, her hand held out to Aubrey, "I'm Chloe." She winked.

Aubrey felt her breath stop, she barely managed to extend her hand to grasp Chloe's, "Aubrey," she said once she was standing upright once again.

"That's a lovely name," Chloe smiled at her again.

"Thank you."

Chloe paused and looked at her before speaking again, "Have I seen you around?"

Aubrey surveyed the gym quickly trying to remember if she had seen the woman around there before and just hadn't realized it, "No, I don't think-"

"I know! It was at the Bellas booth during the clubs fair! Are you auditioning?"

Aubrey couldn't help her smile from breaking forth, there was just something about this woman, "I am. Are you?"

"Totes. Hey! Do you want to grab some lunch? We can talk about the Bellas and how we're both going to be the best Bellas they've ever had."

Surprised, Aubrey found herself agreeing to the lunch, "Sure, but I need to take a shower first." She gestured to her body, the sweat barely noticeable but she could feel it starting to dry in a way that would be most uncomfortable in an hour if she didn't do something about it now.

"Awesome, me too! We can go together."

Aubrey barely kept her jaw from dropping, "Sure." Maybe she was in over her head being friends with Chloe, but one thing was for certain, she could sense that her years at Barden were going to be changing for the better in numerous ways that she couldn't even anticipate.

"Hey, you coming?" Chloe had started walking in the direction of the women's locker room and stopped to face Aubrey.

Aubrey shook her head to clear her thoughts, "Yep. I was just thinking, have you had the food at the café by the quad?"

"I haven't but it sounds good to me."

"Excellent." A very interesting turn of events indeed.

* * *

They both made it onto the Bellas and amid the celebration party it hit Aubrey that at some point she would need to tell her father about the entire thing. Her knees felt weak and this time she was glad there was somewhere for her to sit. She tried breathing deeply through her nose, clutching at the red cup full of something of which she could barely remember the name. Suddenly all her sense were overtaken by a flash of red as Chloe plopped down next to her and took the cup from her grasp, replacing it with her hands. Aubrey gripped them firmly, glad of something to focus on.

"Hey, what are you doing all alone over here."

"Oh you know, being my boring self."

Chloe laughed and leaned close to Aubrey, "You're not boring."

"No?" Aubrey finally regained control over her turning stomach, "What makes you say that? You barely know me."

"But I wouldn't be friends with someone if they were boring, silly. And you," -Chloe bopped Aubrey on the nose- "Are anything but boring."

Aubrey couldn't help the giggle the burst forth from her mouth, Chloe was so drunk, and so so pretty. Aubrey's eyes widened in a way she was certain would be considered comical as she tried to assess the situation. "You're drunk."

Chloe licked her lips and leaned closer, "And so are you, Bree."

"Yeah," Aubrey shook her head and staggered to her feet, she dragged Chloe along with her, "Come on, let's go find the others." She desperately needed the influence of other people to keep her from doing something that she would most certainly regret in the morning.

"Okay!" Chloe trailed after her.

Aubrey's hands were on fire where Chloe had touched her. "Fuck," she muttered under her breath.

* * *

Being Chloe's best friend was simultaneously the best and worst thing to have happened to Aubrey. Best because it was Chloe. Chloe who was unabashedly herself at every turn. And worst because it was Chloe, unabashedly herself, even when that meant she wasn't entirely perceptive to how Aubrey felt about about any given situation. Not that Chloe wasn't a great friend, because she was, but Chloe also couldn't possibly know about things that Aubrey didn't tell her. Like how Aubrey didn't want to hear about the threesome Chloe had at that Halloween party Aubrey didn't go to. Not about the fact that it was so funny they were all dressed up as characters from _Peter Pan_. Not that the guy, Steve, or something, was dressed up as Peter, Jennifer was Wendy and Chloe was Tinker Bell. No, that wasn't what Aubrey wanted to hear at all. She wanted to shout at Chloe to grow up but felt that was a little too perfect so she bit her tongue and turned her back to Chloe, closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

* * *

With all that she didn't want to focus on in her personal life, Aubrey's grades were stellar. She contemplated taking another class on top of her already planned schedule the next semester but then remembered it was during Bellas practice and if there was one thing to be said about Aubrey Posen, she wasn't a quitter, even if some days she couldn't quite catch her breath and felt like she was slowly losing any ounce of control she once thought she had.

* * *

A phone call from her father a couple months later did nothing to help her continuing mood. His voice crackled over the line, as if he was using the old rotary dial from his study, "Aubrey. How has school been?"

"Straight A's, Dad." She felt so weary. "Just like you asked for."

"Good girl. Making your mother and I proud."

"Yes, Dad."

"Have you talked to any of those contacts I gave you about getting into the Law classes?"

"They don't let people into those unless they're Upper Class standing. I'll email them in August just before Junior year."

"Good, good. Are you still doing that singing thing?" His voice betrayed the feelings masked behind that word.

"Yes, Dad. We aren't going to the finals this year but next year, I know it. If they give me a solo I know we can win it."

He cleared his throat, "That's the Posen way. When will you be home from school?"

Aubrey leaned hard against her desk chair and turned when she heard Chloe enter the room, nodding her hello, she continued, "Chloe and I are going somewhere for Spring Break so you'll see me at the end of the year."

"Okay," his voice was gruff. He paused, "Your mother wishes to speak to you."

"Alright, put her on. Love you, Dad."

He made a noise into the receiver and then she heard, "Sally. It's your daughter."

Aubrey couldn't help the flinch that shook her body, she sat up rigidly, only relaxing slightly when Chloe pulled her from the chair and made her sit on Chloe's bed. Chloe wrapped herself around Aubrey, a cocoon of safety. A woman's voice sounded over the phone, "Hi, Bree."

Aubrey found herself smiling in spite of the butterflies moving around her stomach, "Hi, Mom. How are you."

"Just fine, Bree. We saw your Uncle Stan the other day. I told him how you were at Barden following in your aunt's legacy. And that you were a Bella," her mother paused, Aubrey could hear the sharp breath before she began speaking again, "He said that Gwen would have been very proud of you. I want you to remember that okay? I know your father can be hard on you, but we want the best for you."

Aubrey could tell that at this point her mother had moved away from the study, on another phone, away from her father, "I know, Mom." She felt hot tears start to slide down her cheeks, "I know." She leaned into Chloe more and couldn't help the shiver when Chloe's breath warmed her neck. Everything was so messed up. "I love you, Mom."

"Love you too, sweetie. We'll see you in a couple months. Be safe."

"You too, Mom. Bye."

"Talk to you later, dear."

Aubrey dropped the phone to the bed and let out a shaky breath. She couldn't decide if she wanted to turn to face Chloe, to make this a real hug, or if she just wanted the warmth and pressure on her back, grounding her. "It never gets easier does it?" She wasn't sure what she meant by that, there were so many possibilities. She laughed, it sounded hollow to her ears, her tears felt like they were clogging her pores so everyone could see what a wreck she was underneath it all.

Chloe shushed her and moved so they were both laying on the bed. Chloe wrapped herself around Aubrey even further, acting as her blanket. "I don't know what you mean, Bree. But sometimes things get easier." Chloe paused and brushed the blonde hair from Aubrey's face, "If you let them."

* * *

The next months after Spring Break were sheer torture. All Aubrey wanted to do was go back to Florida with Chloe and lay on the beach and visit her absurdly large family full of smiles and baked goods. The reins of leadership of the Bellas had passed to Alice from Jessica who would be graduating that year. To say Aubrey and Chloe were a little terrified would be an understatement, Alice was the girl that you prayed wouldn't notice you in high school.

Chloe grasped her hand tightly after the final Bellas meeting, "We've got this, Bree. We're going to be Juniors next year, they can't shove us to the side anymore."

Aubrey's smile felt frozen as if her face was plastic, "You're right. This is going to be the year we get to Finals. I can feel it."

"Yeah," Chloe nodded and smiled. Aubrey noted how her smile never looked forced. "We're going to blow them out of the water."

* * *

Junior year was turning out to be the best year thus far. Aubrey was going to have a solo in one of the songs the Bellas were performing this year. As well as she was determined to get out of her shell more, she needed to stop thinking about things that weren't conducive to furthering herself as a person. This was the second year that Chloe and Aubrey would be living together, this time in an apartment off campus. She had her own room that she didn't have to share with anyone and she could try and be whoever she wanted to be. Of course, mainly that meant spending more time at the library than in her apartment, but school was important and she didn't need to hear about the latest person Chloe had sex with: Marilyn who was a pianist with skilled fingers, George who had "the most defined set of abs you've ever seen" and so on. Aubrey loved Chloe and thought it was great she was so comfortable in her body and sexuality, but that didn't mean Aubrey was comfortable about the whole thing.

* * *

Slowly, very slowly, Aubrey tried to go out more. A guy in her Family Law class asked her out to dinner in January and she accepted. He was very handsome, the type of man her father would approve of greatly. But his hair wasn't quite the right shade of red and his eyes were a cloudy blue. But he made her laugh, as much as she let him anyway. She dated him for a month and a half, breaking up with him two weeks after they had sex for the first time.

He was all wrong. His beard tickled her in ways that made her skin crawl and his fingers felt all wrong on her, too clumsy and big. She sighed, fully prepared to begin her "It's not you, it's me" speech when he chuckled and kissed her on the cheek and told her it was fine, he saw it coming and she was a cool chick (she had bristled at the term but let out a quick puff of air and moved on). When she saw him in class the next day he just winked at her and sat a couple rows back. The amount of relief she felt was insurmountable, at least she didn't mess _that_ up.

* * *

To say her relationship was strained with Chloe would be putting it in terms that only Aubrey seemed to notice. Perhaps Aubrey was the only one who noticed how Chloe was sharing less and less with Aubrey and how Aubrey was more often gone from the apartment than not, even though she actually hated being out of the house, she couldn't stand the thought that she was fighting with her best friend and said best friend didn't even realize it.

"Hey, are you okay?" Chloe plopped down on her bed and looked up at her expectantly.

"What do you mean?" Aubrey was hitting herself for not shutting her door, not that that had ever stopped Chloe before.

"You can cut the shit, Aubrey, I know something is going on in that abnormally large brain of yours. You haven't spoken to me in like a week. And at first I thought you just needed some time and you'd come talk to me when you were ready, but now I'm getting the feeling that it has something to do with me. Does it?" Chloe averted her gaze from Aubrey's and Aubrey was surprised to see tears welling in Chloe's eyes. "Did I do something and I just don't know it?"

Aubrey's heart broke a little bit looking at her best friend, tears streaked down her face. She never wanted to be this person, the one who made a big deal about nothing and ended up hurting the people she loved. "No, Chloe, not you, just me. I'm kinda going crazy over school and Bellas and not being a good friend. I'm sorry I've been distant."

Chloe reached to Aubrey and pulled her so they were next to each other on the bed, "I've kind of been a jerk too, Bree. It's not just you, okay?"

"Yeah," Aubrey closed her eyes and buried her face into the crook of Chloe's neck. "We're good." She breathed in and out, Chloe's warmth surrounding her. Good.

* * *

Having patched her relationship with Chloe, at least for the most part until she realized what it was that was causing her all these issues, Aubrey was able to focus on her solo for Finals, which was in less than two weeks. She was beyond nervous, more nervous than her father could ever make her with his stare full of expectations of her brilliance. Alice caught up with her after Bellas practice and informed her that under no circumstances was she allowed to mess up because "we finally got to this stage and I'll be damned if I let those fucking Treblemakers win."

Aubrey felt like she swallowed her tongue when she replied, "I won't let you down."

"Good, you better not."

* * *

She let them down. She let down all the Bellas as well as all those poor people stuck in the first three rows of that performance hall. She wasn't able to pinpoint exactly what happened, she just knew that all that built up stress led to a big mess. When she thought hard about it on the bus later, all the way in the back so no one would have to look at her, she figured out it had something to do with the little voice in the back of her head that popped up while she was singing telling her to just "let it go". At the time she thought it meant her worries and frustrations. How wrong she was.

A body sat next to her, pushing her to the window. She looked up, "Chloe, can you just leave me to my misery?"

"As if, Bree. We're in this together next year. No matter what happened this year. Alright?" Chloe squeezed her thigh, "I don't want you beating yourself up over this."

"Too late."

"No such thing. And I know what your dad would say about this and I'm not letting you pack your bags just yet, okay?"

Aubrey sighed and leaned on Chloe's shoulder, "Thanks, Chlo."

"Anytime, Bree."

* * *

The week before everyone would be returning to Barden, Aubrey found herself in a bar with Chloe sipping at her second gin and tonic of the night. "So this year has to be good, Chloe. We need to find super hot girls who can sing, and dance and won't aca-annoy me."

Chloe laughed at her and stirred her own drink before speaking, "I think I like drunk Aubrey."

"Shh, you like sober Aubrey too, I hope," Aubrey rested her hand on Chloe's arm for a minute before pulling back and watching Chloe closely. "You okay there?"

"Yeah...I may be a little drunk too. And when did you start adding "aca" to everything?"

"I'm not sure, it happened when I was making fun of Alice last year."

"Aubrey Posen, you made fun of our Bella _leaders_? How do you live with yourself?" Chloe dissolved into laughter.

Aubrey couldn't help but join in, "Just fine thanks. Just fine indeed."

* * *

Beca Mitchell. Beca _fucking _Mitchell. Aubrey knew that she would be no good for them. For Aubrey. For _Chloe_. For the Bellas. Not to mention that Aubrey was starting to realize what she should have noticed all along. She loved Chloe. Chloe with her affinity for animal print clothing that Aubrey would never be caught dead in (And not just animal print, but clothing actually printed with the animal itself). Chloe with the way her smile was able to bring people together. Chloe with the way that she never cared how uptight Aubrey was as long as Aubrey was there with mint chocolate chip ice cream when studying or life got to be too much. Chloe, who definitely liked Beca Mitchell more than she let on to Aubrey because she knew Aubrey wouldn't approve, though Chloe, for as smart as she was, couldn't figure out the reason wasn't just because Beca was annoying but because Chloe was blind to how Aubrey felt about her. Sometimes Aubrey wished she could sing a song to Chloe to express everything that was going on in her mind, but then her throat would dry up and she could feel the vomit threaten to rise and she had to calm herself down. Maybe some things were better left unsaid.

* * *

Aubrey felt like she was only hanging on by a thread. Her entire life was crashing down around her and no one seemed to notice or care. Thinking about it, perhaps the main reason for that had to do with alienating the only person who ever cared about her.

Beca punched some guy. And then damaged public property and was arrested. And even after all that Chloe demanded they all wait in Beca's dorm room for the girl to get back. Aubrey didn't even want to know why Chloe knew where Beca lived.

After hours, which Beca's slightly terrifying roommate pointed out, Beca finally arrived and proceeded to do exactly what Aubrey knew she would do, try and turn everyone against her plan. Her plan was the one Alice used that got them to Finals last year, it would work again, why could no one see that?

She stood, saying her piece and looked to Chloe, she wanted to say, "I'll see you at home." But the words stuck in her throat and she knew that if she tried to force them out, no one would be happy. She nodded at Chloe and clenched her fist hard as she left Beca's room. This year was really trying to make an effort to be the worst one yet.

* * *

Chloe brought the subject up again with Aubrey over coffee the following morning. "You know the girls don't really like you, right?"

"I've learned to accept that people don't have to like me as long as we can win."

"But Aubrey," Chloe looked at her, "Is that really what you want to be remembered for?"

"For winning?" Aubrey scoffed, finished with this conversation before it even began, "Don't you think I deserve that after what happened last year. Who would want to have a tagline of 'Blows under pressure'? Chloe, you just don't get the stress that I am under."

"And why is that, Bree? Don't you realize that the only person putting pressure on you is yourself. No one cares about that. They just want to have fun and maybe win while doing that." Chloe paused as if contemplating what she was about to say, "You know, Beca was right."

Aubrey almost swore she saw red. "Well of course, if _Beca_ said."

"Aubrey-" Chloe tried to reach toward her.

"Don't, Chloe, please don't."

* * *

"You're such a hedonist, Chloe! You only go after things that give you pleasure, and you know it."

Chloe gasped, "You know that's not true, Aubrey. And you know why? Because I'm friends with you! And after the way you've treated me this year, how could I say our friendship was a pleasure?"

Aubrey choked on air, her words lost. "Fine," she bit out finally.

"Oh, Bree, you know I didn't mean that."

"No, Chloe, I think that's one of the first things you've said to me in a very long time that you did mean."

* * *

After everything that happened, Chloe yelling at her, Aubrey just snapped, "Chloe, could you get your head out of your ass? It's not a hat." She didn't know what made her say it, perhaps it was the way the Beca had seemed to worm her way into every aspect of Aubrey's life and she just couldn't stand it anymore. Chloe was someone that you absolutely did not fuck with.

* * *

They won. They actually won. And Beca kissed Jesse. And Chloe turned to Aubrey and rushed into her arms, pressing into her, almost as if she was trying to disappear. The "I told you so" was hot on her tongue but she managed to hold it back, this wasn't the time.

* * *

Chloe's sad face was getting ridiculous. It had been over two weeks since Beca and Jesse started dating and Chloe had barely said a word. Aubrey was attempting to read a book while sitting on the couch and Chloe was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Aubrey broke the silence, unable to keep from saying something any longer, "Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you pine after her, Chloe? How long I watched and waited for you to come back to me?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Chloe stopped chopping carrots and watched her closely.

"Would it have mattered? You just treated everything I said as if I hated Beca and wanted you to be unhappy."

"Well, didn't you?"

"What are you asking me?" Aubrey tried to force down the swelling panic that threatened to overwhelm her.

"Didn't you hate her?"

"Not so much her as how she took you away from me. It was supposed to be our year, Chlo, not hers."

"Oh, Bree," Chloe set the knife down, slid next to her on the couch and grabbed her hands, squeezing them gently, "She just helped us make our year even better. You know that. It may not have been how you planned it, but we won. And it wasn't just Beca, it was _all _of us, okay?"

"You're right," Aubrey closed her eyes tightly and sighed, "I guess I was just being silly. Like I wanted you and the Bellas all for myself."

"You never lost me, Bree."

Aubrey opened her eyes and turned toward Chloe, "But did I ever have you?"

"I don't understand."

"And that's the problem." Aubrey pulled her hands out from Chloe's grasp, "I'm going to go to bed. We can talk more later."

"Okay, night, Bree." Aubrey could see the question on Chloe's lips form and then stop before being said aloud, she couldn't decide if she was relieved or disappointed. That, she supposed, was a problem in and of itself.

* * *

"So," Chloe sat down on Aubrey's bed, "I've realized that I've been a huge idiot."

It was a couple days until graduation, classes and final assignments long since turned in. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Chloe sighed. "Aubrey, why didn't you talk to me about all of this? We're supposed to be friends."

"I wanted to be supportive of your relationship with Beca."

Chloe laughed, "Bree, you couldn't be supportive of Beca no matter how much you tried. And you know there wasn't a relationship there."

"Well," Aubrey scoffed, true as the statement was, "She _did_ help us win. And I know you wanted there to be a relationship, beyond friendship, I mean."

"It happens, Bree. Sometimes our hearts get broken or torn up a little bit. I just wish you had told me what I was doing to yours."

Aubrey shrugged, "I didn't want you to focus on it when you had other things going on."

Chloe wrapped her arms around the taller woman, "You have to stop being the martyr, Bree. It doesn't help anyone. Besides, do you have any idea how much easier this year would have been if you had just told me you felt this way two summers ago?"

Aubrey couldn't help the laugh that spilled forth, "I didn't really know two summers ago."

"Okay, _suspected_ then. Liking my very straight best friend wasn't something I was a huge fan of you know. You should have given me a sign or something, waved a rainbow flag."

"When? In between Tom and Mandy?"

Chloe cringed, "Okay, fair enough. I didn't make it easy either. I guess we were both trying to escape from something."

"Hey, Chlo?" Aubrey pulled away from Chloe slightly so she could watch her face.

"Hmm?"

"Promise me you won't try and escape from this?"

"What-" Aubrey's lips met hers and with a small sigh Chloe pulled her closer. Their kiss broke and Chloe smiled widely, "I'm still broken right now, Bree."

"It's okay, Chlo. I think we both are. I can wait."

"Really?"

"I promise."


End file.
